I was ogling perusing pictures of Christina Hendricks on Esquire’s website when I discovered that they were a part of a set that I had seen photos from before and posted to my Tumblr.  And then I saw that she is in Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive Tournament.  Seeing some of the first round pairings, I had to offer my commentary on select match-ups.

Beyoncé VS Avril

This is the first match up on the site.  Seriously?  This ain’t even a fair fight.  I’m sure Avril is lovely, but Mrs. Jay-Z is in the elite division.  She’s a timeless icon in league with Rita Hayworth and Audrey Hepburn, and you’re putting poor little Avril up against her in the first round?  There isn’t even a discussion to be had.

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Carrie Underwood VS Katy Perry

Another one that’s not even a question.  Carrie Underwood is pretty in a conventional way, but she’s not sex symbol material for me.  I mean, I get that middle America has a difference of opinion on this than I do, but I’m street.  And Katy Perry’s riding that line running between cute and sexy that has done me in in real life more than once.  Katy Perry all the way.

The photo below looks so much like a girl I know IRL that if it was her Facebook profile pic, I would be asking her when she posed for it.  Katy Perry: If you also want to know if I want to smoke a bowl with you, the answer is “yes”.

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Bianna Golodryga VS Sarah Silverman

I didn’t know anything about Bianna Golodryga before seeing her name here, but it’s not hard to beat Sarah Silverman.  Sarah Silverman is a sex symbol for those dudes who want a woman to wear the pants in the relationship and be treated like a piece of shit.  You’re supposed to get over that in your early 20s, but I am saddened as ever to be reminded that some of us never do.  Bianna Golodryga wins this one by disqualification.

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Christina Hendricks VS January Jones

This is the most epic match-up in the tournament.  This is Andre the Giant VS Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 3 – the greatest match you’re likely to ever see.  It’s not just that they’re two of the most gorgeous women currently on the scene, but you have the added drama of their being co-stars on Mad Men, one of my favorite TV shows ever.  This is the sex symbol equivalent of Pacino VS DeNiro in Heat.  Further complicating the issue is that their styles are so different that they don’t lend themselves to comparison.  Yikes.  Let’s do some further analysis.

Christina Hendricks gets an early lead for the red hair and her rack.  January Jones sashays her way back into the game with her grace and classic beauty, tying the game with less than a minute to go.  Christina Hendricks does that coy blink thing and wins it in sudden death overtime.

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Heidi Montag then VS Heidi Montag now

This one goes to Heidi Montag because she followed me on Twitter.  Or maybe it was her manager.

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Anne Hathaway VS Rachel McAdams

The Nerd ‘net is ablaze with discussion over who is more suited to the role of Black Cat if that character were in a Spider-Man movie, A or R.

If this were a discussion about acting chops, Rachel McAdams would get it in an instant.  Even if it was about who I think would be cooler to invite into my party posse when we go take over Shake A Tail, it would come up McAdams.  And I really want to give her a pass on this one for the hometown love, but Anne Hathaway has just got the va-va-voom thing going on for me so to Ms. Hathaway it goes.  Even though I wasn’t for an instant buying the age-reversing process in Get Smart as an explanation for why she was playing Agent 99.

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Jessica Alba VS Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston reminds me of Mariah Carey in that she had a really natural, real-person charm when she first hit the scene, and has since morphed into a plasic diva.  Jessica Alba, on the other hand, appeared all over town in those tearaway Good Luck Chuck posters with the ice cream.  Jessica Alba probably wouldn’t make it to late in the tournament, but her first round match is a breeze and she wins it easily.

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Eva Mendes VS Sienna Miller

Even though Eva Mendes looks just delicious, her trouble in her first-round match-up is that I don’t go for that skinny-pretty-blonde combo often but when I do, I go for it full force.  Further, Sienna Miller gets Sean cred for playing Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl.  As yet I have not seen Ms. Mendes dressed like a 60s party girl which is the look that makes me go “Hello!  We haven’t met…”  Sienna Miller takes it in an unexciting, low-scoring game.

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Just when I was wondering where Scarlett Johansson was, I discovered that past winners are not eligible.  That means that neither are Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, Jessica Biel, Halle Berry, or Kate Beckinsdale.

See the full tournament here

What do you think?  Would you have made the same picks?

Tags: commentary, opinion, random, rant, women